Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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