i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
