I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
