i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
