I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
