Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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