i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Randomize
