she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
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