Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
