You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
