I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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