there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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