Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
I met the friendliest cop last night
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
