so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
