is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
