she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Randomize
