I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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