she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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