youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
i just made my gag reflex go away.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
