I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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