time to smoke my breakfast
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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