God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Randomize
