Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
