A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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