Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
