I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
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