I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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