WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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