You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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