i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.�
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
