I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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