That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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