There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
