he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
