so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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