i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
