drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
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