how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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