I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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