I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
