Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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