I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
