Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
