I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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