So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
