dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
