i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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