Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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