1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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