Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I look better un-naked...
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
